Not a resolution

Just an opportunity to express my appreciation for everything that happened in 2008. And I do mean everything. To be human is to feel the entire range of emotions...and boy did last year run the gamut. I certainly don't feel short-changed in the life lessons category. But would I trade it for the dormancy of a life void of anything other than happiness? Not a chance.

Any parent knows just how much power their childs holds over their range of emotions. In the blink of an eye moving from a helpless creature, full of admiration, to a thoughtless little heart breaker. Yep...parenting a preschooler is kind of like being back in your most immature high school relationship capable of delivering the highest highs and the lowest lows.

The holidays have been amazing. A time to rest, relflect and be thankful. I feel mended...and I'm not sure I even knew I was broken. I guess that's what happens when life lives you instead of the other way around.

Here's to 2009...whatever it may bring.

Balance

Whomever coined the term "work-life balance" must have seen the world through different eyes. A quick check of Webster's returns the following definition: balance - stability produced by even distribution of weight on each side of the vertical axis. Now, this gives the impression that both "work" and "life" are given equal weighting that allows neither one to overpower the other. Not exactly the way things work for most of us 30-somethings in the professional world.

Interestingly, a second look at the Webster's listing produces the following: balance - a means of judging or deciding. Much more appropriate, I think.

For me, it's not so much about work-life balance as it is about making choices. And in making those choices somehow finding an equilibrium. The very use of the term "choice" indicates that one thing take precedence over the other, therefore creating an imbalance between the two. I've come to learn that as long as I make choices I can live with beyond today, the balance resides not in the amount of time that I'm spending on either one, but rather in my heart.

Great Expectations

This weekend (and not for the first time) it occurred to me just how hard life must be for a toddler. Not only are they trying to to figure out the world, but they also have to deal with constant direction and helpful "suggestions" from just about every adult who comes in contact with them. A simple task...take walking down the street for instance...becomes a car fully orchestrated sequence of events during which the toddler is told how fast to walk ("hurry it up, please"); when to stop and start ("Look both ways before you cross. All clear? Okay, let's go); even what they can and cannot touch ("no! the garbage can is dirty!"). You get my drift.

Now, take that simple task and multiply it by a thousand and you've got last weekend for us. We traveled to Chicago for the much anticipated (and well worth the wait) wedding of hubby's step-sister and her fantastic finance -two of the kindest, most endearing people I know. We were lucky enough to be invited to all of the fun activities that typically surround an out-of-town wedding. It was basically one celebratory event after another from the moment our plane landed -from the bridal luncheon, to the rehearsal dinner, brunch and the reception. Great for adults...not so much fun for the little man. Add on top of that, five days in a city hotel room and you're asking for trouble.

Needless to say, by day number two, with not a nap in sight and no chance at keeping a regular schedule, we were already seeing signs of a meltdown. After a particularly difficult afternoon of trying to get the bean to "rest" for a while, it occur rs to me that my relationship with my beloved son rivals that of a tormented high school romance. A constant roller coaster of emotions that can only be described as exhausting. And I'm the adult in the relationship! I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like on his end.

So, a gentle reminder all the parents out there (and this goes for my many friends who are still basking in the glow of their newborns' smiles and can't possibly imagine their precious angels doing anything wrong)...not every action needs a reaction and sometimes silence is a great form of encouragement.

The pace of life

Ever heard the phrase "herding cats?" For cat owners out there it probably conjures up a pretty strong visual. I know I giggle when I picture the many times I've tried to "herd" Hudson or Maggie around the house. It's like they have reverse radar!

Guess what...same goes for toddlers.

I'm known for being a fairly fast-paced individual. Some might call it Type A. I prefer to think of it as productive. Maybe it's nervous energy...who knows. Needless to say, having a baby made me really evaluate my patience level. In some ways it causes you to slam on the brakes. On the other hand, you learn to multi-task like never before.

It's amazing to me how I can spend every single waking minute of the day doing "stuff." Ryan, on the other hand, can spend five minutes studying a crack in the sidewalk. Nevermind climbing the stairs or getting dressed in the morning. Despite having read many times that as a parent I should foster my child's imagination by letting him 'discover' life at his own pace, I still find myself telling Ryan we need to, "hurry it up, buddy" with such a level of frequency that I wonder if I'm setting him up to have the same inability to enjoy the slower pace of life that I suffer from.

These days we're struggling a bit with listening (or, rather, not listening), but deep down I know I won't be entirely upset if my 'hurry ups' go unanswered. The little man has plenty of years ahead where things will move at lightning speed.

Homecoming

Those of you who know me know I travel...a lot. Unfortuantely it also happens to come in waves. Sometimes I'll go an entire blissful month of interrupted days and nights with my two favorite men just to be hit with three trips in as many weeks. Such is the cycle I'm in now.

As Ryan has gotten older life on the road has actually gotten a bit easier. Now, I can talk to him, ask him about his day, and most importantly, tell him when I'm coming home. Of course it also helps that I've heard from a million people (doctors included) that children really have no concept of time at this age. And if that weren't enough, he also has an amazing daddy who keeps him happy and healthy while I'm gone. So, while I am painfully aware of every day that passes without him, I know that he is really none the wiser.

Of course, the best part about leaving (as thought there really are any) is coming home. This, too, has gotten better with time. Now, I'm greeted at the door with excitement and quickly whisked into the house only to be regaled with all of the new and amazing things that have happened in my absence. Sure, the stories are sometimes a bit tough to follow, but you just can't beat the unfiltered, sometimes brutally honest, storytelling of a toddler.

Now, don't get me wrong...there's also the flip side. Take this past week's homecoming for instance. When I arrived our little man was next door playing with his buddy so I came in to drop my stuff before heading out to say hello. While inside, I heard our nanny tell Ryan there was a "surprise" waiting for him inside. Well, you can imagine the excitement as Ryan was surely expecting a new "car" or something equally as thrilling. So, in he came with a curious look on his face. After glancing around the room a few times without so much as a nod in my direction he turned to me with a deadpan look and said, "where's my surprise?" I could only laugh at his little crestfallen face as he tried to register my explanation that I was, in fact, the surprise.

Sure, I could have taken offense, but who can blame him? Mommy's no comparison to a new toy!

Snuggle

Seems like a fairly innocent word, right? Now try it repeated incessantly and in a slightly manic tone. Congratulations...you've just gotten a glimpse into bedtime at the Jenest house.

When Ryan was a baby we were adamant that he learn to "self-soothe." We had read and heard enough horror stories about preschoolers invading the marital bed, thus squashing any chance of romance between two already exhausted parents. Besides, selfishly or not, we enjoy our sleep and prefer not getting kicked/poked/smacked, etc. in the middle of the night. At least not anymore than we already do to one another. So, we diligently followed the rules to establishing a good sleep pattern for our little man. Sure it took some willpower to not "snuggle" our bean to sleep every night, but we knew it would pay off in the long run. At least, we hoped.

Fast forward a couple of years, insert a big boy bed and a (not so scary) thunderstorm several weeks ago and suddenly we have a recipe for disaster. Gone are the days of shutting off the light, listening to a few songs on the ipod and kissing our little man goodnight. Instead, we have to "snuggle" or, in my case, squeeze my adult size bottom into a child size rocking chair in the corner of his room and work on my computer by electric candle light. Sad, huh? But a last resort after a few missed deadlines while hubby was traveling overseas.

Unfortunately, this stop gap activity has quickly turned into a nightly ritual. Each night, without fail, when the last story is read and the light goes out, my darling son looks at me with wide eyes and asks, "Will you snuggle?" Which is quickly followed up with, "Or do your work in the little rocking chair?" Ahhhh...just the words every mother longs to hear.

When I think some of the seemingly unbearable, and at the same time, highly entertaining, phases we've been through in the past couple of years (anyone remember the pterodactyl?) I know it's only a matter of time before we move on from this one. If not, I guess we can always upgrade to a California King :-)

A new leaf

Vacation seems to have this profound effect on me. The first day or two always feels a bit awkward. Like I'm not quite sure what to do with myself when not tethered to my computer. It's a strange combination of irrational fear that someone at work may discover that I am, in fact, dispensable, mixed with the sensation that I may actually be experiencing life as it should be...without the constant ping of emails and ring of cell phones.

This vacation was no different. In fact, the clarity of past week has caused me to be so bold as to NOT be working at 9:30 at night, but rather to be doing something I truly enjoy...recording the sweet memories of the past few days here...lest I forget this feeling and revert back to my old ways!

Thus, begins a new chapter in my somewhat irratic blogging life. This time, I know better than to make any promises, but I'm happy to be back on the wagon...for the time being, at least. And since our little man now has the vocabulary of a five year-old, it seems a bit silly to write from his perspective. Trust me, he leaves nothing to the imagination! Instead, I hope to simply to capture a few snapshots of our life as a family of three. So, check back often; and as one great friend did recently (thanks Ang), feel free to give me a kick if you see me slipping back into old habits.